The Self Slaps The Notself

Upgraded from Bitter to Baller

One of the things that becomes clearer with time is that I have two very distinct personalities that tell me whether or not I’m doing the things I’m supposed to be doing. The first is bubbly, optimistic, confident, carefree, and radiates success (bank balance be damned!) The second is cynical, bitter, jaded, and critical of everything (bank balance be damned here too).

I’ve spent long enough rubbing shoulders with hippies to pick up a fair few of their languages and this, in the language of Human Design, reflects my Self versus Notself. The Self reflects who I am when I’m doing, living, and being how I’m supposed to be. The Notself is the opposite. It’s a sign I’m off track, that I’ve let the conditions of my life determine my direction rather than the direction of my life determine my conditions.

I’m talking about this now because in this, my third attempt to put together this season's Substack, I have come to realise how far I’ve fallen into the Notself version of me. Everything has become shit, everything sucks, I’m critical of everything, and nothing is good enough. There is a pragmatic realist sitting on my shoulder watching all of these assessments and whispering in my ear ‘Are you stupid? Objectively, there’s nothing wrong with all of these things. You just don’t like them’ and the pragmatic realist is dead to rights.

When I try to distill the problem that I face when living in Melbourne it comes out incredibly critical and bitter, and I’m acutely aware this is only my experience of things here. But my experience is the most important to me, so that’s what I have to describe. The things that I consider as important, valuable, and fundamental to the human experience don’t even get a footnote in daily life in Melbourne. It’s all virtue signal and perception of righteousness, but no action that supports the virtue being signalled or the righteousness being masqueraded.

I don’t need to drift into it, I’ve surely done it to death. It’s enough to be said that the illusion of Woke Culture seems to have permeated Melbourne and everyone is wearing the blanket of Woke Values, while never actually believing the values they’re claiming to embrace. It’s just the next fashion, and everyone has become nothing but the latest fashion victims.

Why is this so important for me? Because I will always rise or fall to the base level of my environment, for better or worse. When I lived in a place full of weed smoking, I smoked like a chimney; when my networks were forged over the bar, I drank like an animal; when all I did was rub shoulders with spiritually inclined people, I meditated for hours a day and felt positive about things.

And that’s what I feel the most when I spend a long time in Melbourne. Everyone is busy, everyone has this or that thing to do, but it all feels kind of spiritually bankrupt. I suspect it’s because nobody is living in alignment with the actual Australian values, because none of us know what they are. The values that existed before the people were white, when the people lived in harmony with the nature around them. Don’t worry, everyone will take a minute’s silence to grit their teeth through the Acknowledgement of Country that is forced upon them at every event they go to. But it’s only lip service. People get through it and go back to their way of living, and the embrace of culture is abandoned.

What do I do when I’m faced with this spiritual bankruptcy? I have two choices: isolate myself entirely from the economy of destitution and cultivate my own spiritual practice, and live a life of meaning in near-complete isolation or abandon my spiritual practice and embrace the economy of destitution and live in the company of others.

Previously this was no choice. I never came back with such an open-ended picture in my mind, so I stuck to my centre and economy and company be damned, I went it alone and left feeling good about it all. But this time I came back and thought ‘build a community, make some connections, accept the environment as it is and the you that appears from it’, so that is precisely what I did. It took less than two months for me to abandon my practice - the first time I have walked away from it in over seven years - and descend into this judgmental, vitriolic, bitter version of me that I know well. It’s the Nick that spent the better part of 10 years working in finance and getting reps in at the pub. He’s a miserable cunt.

So, I did what I always do when I realise that I’ve drifted away from my path. I took radical action and bought a one-way ticket to another part of the world, where I know a person who might be doing a thing that I have a mild interest in. And just like that, all seems to be right in the world again. Instead of looking at the calendar with a depressing, sinking feeling in my stomach that says ‘This is it. This is your life now. Get comfortable, sink to the level of your environment and complain about everything while changing nothing’, I see the calendar that says ‘Not long now. You’ve chosen your next environment, and you know it supports a better version of yourself. Now get yourself back to that level’.

And immediately I’ve started bringing my practice back into my life. I’ve come to realise that when my environment doesn’t support my practice it ruins my practice, so I am better off not practicing. Instead I jump into martial arts training and put all of my energy into fighting. It’s been great for the body, but the love of the fight is just mirroring what I’m feeling inside. Rather than being able to sit with what is for hours in the day, I am able to fight with what is for hours in the day.

The logic I’m using there is however slightly inverted. If my environment doesn’t support my practice, and my practice is so important to me, then I’ve gotta change my environment.

Besides this need for my environment to support my practice, it also needs to support my ongoing learning - a fundamentally important part of my own practice. Living in a linear city, with deeply carved grooves and habit patterns traps me in the actions of the past. For all my discipline and willpower, I am not stronger than time and space, so I live in an East-West line that travels approximately 5km - dead straight - and that’s it. My habits, routines, and behaviour patterns are directly connected to this linearity and my learning becomes A/B based, rather than expansive and chaotic and effective.

I thrive when I am the smallest fish in the biggest pond. I thrive when I have no idea what the fuck is going on, and I have to figure it all out. I thrive when the enormity of all the things I don’t know keep me humble. I suffer when I feel as if I know it all. All I need are a few small anchors in my daily life that give me enough structure to face the chaos, but when that structure is in place I can take care of business with a capital T.

So, the countdown timer is on. In six weeks time, I’ll fly into Thailand and embrace the homeless vagabond lifestyle once more. I have a plan for the first three weeks, but that’s about it. And this time, I’m going to be the stubborn prick that I am in my heart of hearts - but stubborn about doing what I know is right for me. When I make decisions swiftly, with confidence, and accept the outcomes that come with them, life unfolds with ease. When I delay, procrastinate, or otherwise faff about then things feel miserable.

Here’s cheers to the next evolution of Nick Lets Rip. It may take on a decidedly more travel blog feel for a hot minute. But it will continue to be an aggressive expression of self (or Notself when the Miserable Me is behind the wheel). It’s been almost three years since this project kicked off and life has been a wild ride. Thanks for playing along at home!

I wish you all the very best for the silly season. I daresay I’ll pop into your inbox at least once more before the year is up <3

P.S. In Melbourne, they have put 5G faces on these beautiful technological monstrosities!