Welcome back to Nick Lets rip. I'm taking a different approach this time. I'm going with the Talk to Text approach. You might ask why, and you are more than welcome to ask such a thing. Whether or not I will answer it remains to be seen.
Before I disclose that, I want to give a shoutout to Foster. They are opening up a new Cohort at the beginning of June. If you are writing inclined and looking for community, or generally curious to find out what's going on in that creative brain of yours, I highly, highly, highly recommend you join. They have been the single most fundamental development in my writing process over the last year and I cannot recommend them highly enough. Find all the information here. And now, let’s find out if I will answer that question or not…
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Alright, I'll answer it, but just this once! I'm working with Talk to Text because I've typed enough in the last month. I’ve had lots to say, and my hands have been the exclusive outlet for everything that's been going on. But I really like to talk, and I haven't been getting the chance to do so as much as I would like. Plus, there is a constant suggestion in the writing world that we should write like we speak, so this is a really nice way to test that theory and see how it lands.
My mind has been locked in work mode for the last month. It’s been a pleasant change but geez, it's been demanding. I realise, as a mind worker, that even if I have ‘three hours a day of work’, realistically there are seven hours in the day where I'm thinking about those three hours of the day.
I've still been journaling and going through my daily practises of getting my thoughts out and organising my mind but it’s felt as if the creative spark has dwindled. But it isn't true. This is a mistake people make consistently, and I fall into the habit of making it as well. We associate creativity with art and assume that if one is not producing art, then one is not being creative.
But it's bullshit. Finding creative solutions to problems is creativity. Using your brain for creative projects, whether or not they are classical arts, is an exercise in creativity. There is no one size fits all when it comes to creativity.
I have been reviewing my practises and have come to realise that Vipassana is still the best for me. This is mildly upsetting because it doesn't look fancy, it doesn't look impressive, it doesn't sound flashy, and it doesn't look artistic. But it is so fucking effective. And that's the point.
I stepped away from the regular, disciplined practice of Vipassana six months ago. I tried my hand at Neidan, which is a form of Daoist meditation because I found a teacher I really resonated with (Robert Coons, check him out). I enjoyed the practice and saw that it has a lot of value but it doesn’t click for me like Vipassana does. But the magic has been in the decision itself. When I allow myself the freedom to choose from many different things, then I feel as though I am drowning in choices and I am unsure what I am actually doing. I get confused, I start to mix things and progress seems to slow down. There was a long period in my life where there were no second choices or alternatives, I was just doing this one thing and everything was fine. And there's a lot of power in that.
So I'm back to starting every day the same. It's not flashy, it's not creating magic, I'm not seeing colours and floating and feeling all of these crazy, esoteric things. But I am seeing my nature, my body, my mind, how I'm thinking, when I am thinking, what I am thinking, and I am seeing it all pass away. This was missing in the study of these other techniques, but it's back and I feel stable.
The power of this choice is more about the fact that a decision has been made, rather than which decision was made. The energy that was being consumed in questioning, doubting, second guessing, reconsidering, searching for alternatives, and so on has been freed, and all that energy is available for the practice itself. And the same can be said for my career.
It may come as a surprise to you but I am a writer. Not only a writer, but a communicator. (This is why I am writing this first draft with my voice.) I enjoy taking a concept, playing with it in my mind, putting it together and slapping it on the paper, or in this case, on the screen, so that others can come along for the ride. Although I spent huge amounts of my childhood reading books, I never knew that this was something that I could earn a living from (‘Stephen King is a writer, but I’m not!’) until a few people showed me it was possible.
Now I am going hard in the ghostwriting space and I'm actually excited about it. Mixing my two favourite things: talking to people about the things they find interesting, and then turning it into a book through writing!
I've been halfway interested in careers and pathways for a long time, but for those of you that have been reading for long enough, you will know that halfway isn't enough anymore. Finally I am seeing where I should be giving all of that energy, and this is it. Just like with the meditation practice, the energy that was being consumed with searching for the right thing has been freed, and replaced with knowing what I am doing. This allows my mind to relax and rest in my off time, because this is another part of me that is very, very important.
One of my skills is that I am very fast at figuring things out and putting them into practice (unless it relates to my own life, apparently) The shadow side, or cost, of this skill is that when I am not figuring out or implementing things, I need to be doing nothing. I am a creature that really likes to chill the fuck out, because I need that time of nothing. I like to read, to sit down, to just hang out, and to play. I don't need to work 10 hours a day, it's not for me, I don't like it, it's not how I roll, and that's completely fine.
So here we are, on the edge of a big new chapter full of excitement, full of creative solutions to new problems, and with no idea of what the future holds. And I fucking love it. It is so much nicer than being certain about anything. I have a few small things of which I am certain: I know how I will start and finish my day, I know roughly what I will do in order to earn money throughout my day, but that's it.
I don't know where I will be when I am doing it, I don't know what time the start and finish of my day will be, I don't know what language I will be speaking throughout the day, I don't know what foods will be around, I don't know what the climate will be like in the place where I live, I don't know what my exercise will be in that time (or if there will be only one), and I don't know what my next learning curve will be. But I know that learning will continue.
And this is where my big excitement lies. It's so important for me to keep learning, and the best way for me to learn is to have a little consistency and a lot of chaos. The chaos keeps me sharp, it keeps me fresh, and it keeps me in a state of ‘I don't know’. Once I start to feel like I do know, I become incorrigible, cynical, bitter, and destructive. It’s far better for me to have an awful lot of uncertainty in my days. But a tiny bit of structure is also critical for me as well.
All of this has clicked by returning to my roots. When I started Vipassana, I just locked it in ‘OK, this is what I'm doing now’, and everything was fine. Once I started to question it, I started to question everything But it isn't necessary. I know it works for me, I've seen it. It is the structure that I need in order to go throughout all the chaos. Maybe in time I will find something that works better for me, but it won’t be found through thinking about it and questioning things, it will just happen. Just like it did with Vipassana, just like it did with moving to the other side of the world, and just like it did with writing.
I hope that all of you can take the time to find your thing. Of course it will change and perhaps it won't be the thing forever, perhaps you’ll learn a new skill and the new skill will replace the old. Be open to that. But find what works first, and dig deep into the basics. Get rooted and grounded, so that you can dive into the chaos safely.
Hope you will have a wonderful weekend. Enjoy the piece below on the topic of Deception, and you'll be hearing from me soon.
The week before last I took rest, and thought it was enough. Then, last week, I said yes to things that didn’t require immediate yes’s, and the result was that I was forced into a deep state of rest again
It appears that I deceived myself. I was of the opinion that I had been resting, or that I was well rested, or that I did not need more rest, but apparently all of these assumptions were incorrect.
How do I know this? Because of the unexpected, unwanted, and intensely unpleasant shingles outbreak on the inside of my ring finger. It’s a far cry from the most brutal outbreak I’ve experienced – thank God for that – but it still puts me on my ass like a deadweight and daily things are exhausting.
This nervous system struggle feels like a constant war regarding how I am supposed to live.
I can and should do lots of activity, sport and movement. It makes me feel good, I enjoy it, I learn from it, and I can help other people do it. I also can and should spend a lot of time doing absolutely fucking nothing. Reading, sitting, resting. reading again. Sitting again. Generally doing nothing. This is also critical for my well-being.
But I find it very hard to stop when life is giving me options that seem appealing? Maybe I’m a late sufferer of FOMO? I am sure there are cues from my body that I am missing, and when I miss those cues, the result is shingles. Nerve pain, itching, general physical pain throughout the entire body. It’s all shit.
Because I am capable of self-discipline, I can push myself physically, mentally and also socially. But I am realising that I can only excel in limited spaces and times. The deception is coming to an end. I am coming to realise that it is unrealistic to want to be a writer. a martial artist, a chi gong master, a powerful meditator, and a socialite.
Well, that’s not quite true. It's not the case that it is unrealistic to become all of these things. It is simply unrealistic to expect to do them all at once. Which is what I have been trying to do for the last seven years.
One thing at a time, get the foundations solid. This is what I am leaning towards. Mastery of the minute, disregarding the bigger picture, focusing on the smallest steps possible.
What is available to be done today, here, now, in this moment, is all that can be done. Anything else does not deserve my time, effort, energy, or attention.
Let's see how long this lasts. It's definitely not the first time I've made this realisation. But it is the first time I've seen the connection between lack of sleep, excessive excitement, nerve, pain and shingles. And, having seen it clearly, I am looking forward to it never happening again.
Here’s to the end of deception!
